My husband was headed to bed tonight and we were talking (briefly) about our need for health insurance and how we could squeeze it into the budget. He said that he needs to take over paying the bills so that he knows exactly what we have, where it’s going, and how much (more) we need. There are a few things you need to know about our financial lives to completely understand the knot of absolute terror that this innocent comment creates in my spirit.
1. I have always (?) been the bill payer.
2. I am not good at it! The credit cards do not always get paid in full. The taxes (he is self-employed) are not paid in a disciplined manner. Resulting in unpleasantness which we can discuss another day. I am forever robbing Peter to pay Paul. And at the moment they are both broke!
3. He has said this repeatedly, on at least an annual basis, for almost as long as I have managed the bills!
4. I have flat out told him that he should not trust me to manage money.
5. I am a control addict … even knowing that I am bad at my job … it’s hard for me to let go.
6. Money is, always has been, the brewing pot for an argument that I am terrified will boil over at any moment!
7. In addition to being a control addict … I am a pleaser. My BIGGEST fear is that I will hurt or disappoint someone. And I know that if, and when, he digs into our financial pit of snakes … he will be hurt and disappointed!
I am seriously doing the best I can with what we’ve got right now. There is just not enough to go around! And I dread him discovering (again) just how bad it can get! And there are a few more things you should know.
1, As much as I dread the inevitability of this and the stress and pain that will come out of it … I also believe it’s the right thing to do and I hope he really does it this time!
2. There have been a number of occasions on which I shared with him the reality of our financial state. He has ALWAYS responded calmly and lovingly. The one time that I can recall him reacting in anger … he got up quietly and walked away. He came back a few minutes later, calm and ready to deal with this. So I really have no reason to fear.
But money is scary stuff. And debt … even scarier. Money and debt and overwhelming medical expenses at a time when his company has been losing accounts … scarier than that. Add in an unemployed wife, who may or may not find another job. I wouldn’t blame the poor guy if he heads for the hills.
And that’s the last thing you need to know … For whatever reason … I am terrified of being abandoned. No idea where this one came from but it sits right up there beside disappointing people!
It’s not pretty. But it’s me. Right now. Being real.