Money & Fear

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high phone bills 300x300 Money & Fear

My husband was headed to bed tonight and we were talking (briefly) about our need for health insurance and how we could squeeze it into the budget. He said that he needs to take over paying the bills so that he knows exactly what we have, where it’s going, and how much (more) we need. There are a few things you need to know about our financial lives to completely understand the knot of absolute terror that this innocent comment creates in my spirit.

1. I have always (?) been the bill payer.

2. I am not good at it! The credit cards do not always get paid in full. The taxes (he is self-employed) are not paid in a disciplined manner. Resulting in unpleasantness which we can discuss another day. I am forever robbing Peter to pay Paul. And at the moment they are both broke!

3. He has said this repeatedly, on at least an annual basis, for almost as long as I have managed the bills!

4. I have flat out told him that he should not trust me to manage money.

5. I am a control addict … even knowing that I am bad at my job … it’s hard for me to let go.

6. Money is, always has been, the brewing pot for an argument that I am terrified will boil over at any moment!

7. In addition to being a control addict … I am a pleaser. My BIGGEST fear is that I will hurt or disappoint someone. And I know that if, and when, he digs into our financial pit of snakes … he will be hurt and disappointed!

I am seriously doing the best I can with what we’ve got right now. There is just not enough to go around! And I dread him discovering (again) just how bad it can get! And there are a few more things you should know.

1, As much as I dread the inevitability of this and the stress and pain that will come out of it … I also believe it’s the right thing to do and I hope he really does it this time!

2. There have been a number of occasions on which I shared with him the reality of our financial state. He has ALWAYS responded calmly and lovingly. The one time that I can recall him reacting in anger … he got up quietly and walked away. He came back a few minutes later, calm and ready to deal with this. So I really have no reason to fear.

But money is scary stuff. And debt … even scarier. Money and debt and overwhelming medical expenses at a time when his company has been losing accounts … scarier than that. Add in an unemployed wife, who may or may not find another job. I wouldn’t blame the poor guy if he heads for the hills.

And that’s the last thing you need to know … For whatever reason … I am terrified of being abandoned. No idea where this one came from but it sits right up there beside disappointing people!

It’s not pretty. But it’s me. Right now. Being real.

March 29, 2012

Go It Alone or Walk With Him

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I am having a rough day. Going to just put that out there because it may come across in my writing anyway.

We are barely making ends meet. Actually that’s not entirely honest because in order to pay essential living expenses … other things go unpaid. And I will freely admit that we haven’t always prioritized well. We are going to have to cut deeper – give up eating out, traveling, satellite tv, manicures, etc. We’ve never been big spenders but we haven’t been penny pinchers either. And then we got a call Monday to let us know that another one of Bert’s bigger accounts has gone to a national company. A decision made by a corporate office somewhere in Oregon. And we lose an account he has had since the 1980s! And somehow we need to cut another $400 out of an already beleaguered budget.

I flip-flop between telling Bert that I cannot do this (work) anymore and acknowledging that I cannot quit! We are insured through my insurance. Between the 2 of us we spend about $750 – $1000 a month in prescriptions and co-pays. With insurance. Without it? I can’t even think about it. So I can’t quit. But on the other hand … I suspect that I could give up half my medications if I could just eliminate stress. I know. I can’t quit … at least until I find another job.

I have been having a searing pain in my left lower leg at night. It feels like a cramp only more in the bone than the muscle. I called the doctor and her assistant told me to take more muscle relaxants. I told her (again) that the pain isn’t muscular. She said to take them anyway. Chronic pain is so frustrating! This doctor also wanted to do blood work. I just had some done last week at another doctor so I suggested that they chat before doing anymore tests. And now I’m waiting for a call back. And I know. I’m just the patient but it does seem that they should at least X-ray it!

Okay … so you know what God told me today through Jesus Calling?

Photo Credit - Community Pencils

The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. (Can I get an amen? bsz) You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. (yep) This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence. (This is where I get confused. I can’t just not worry about the bills and leave them for God to handle. I can’t just sit here doing nothing and hope that He will move me to another job! So … how do I walk in humble dependence? What does that look like?)

Please feel free to leave suggestions in comments! In the meantime I will keep trying … and praying!

The Joy Dare

6 – a gift bent, a gift broken, a gift beautiful

knees that, however painful, still bend

friendships that live only in the past

marriage – choosing to stay for sicker, for poorer, for worse

7 – 3 gifts in the kitchen

Savannah Smiles – best Girl Scout Cookie ever!

Roo, who comes running and leaps to the counter every time I turn the water on, so he can watch the running water (and Tigger who seems to be trying to figure out why it’s such a big deal)

Well stocked cabinets, fridge, and freezer – we may not eat exactly what we want but we will not starve anytime soon!

March 7, 2012

It’s Been a Long Time Coming but …

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I am at peace.

Crossroads 300x245 Its Been a Long Time Coming but ...

There are still a LOT of hard things in my life BUT I get to choose how I will respond to them. Worry is natural … it’s human … it’s not what God wants for me. He wants me to CHOOSE to trust Him and to be content in all circumstances. Easy? No. Right? Yes.

I worry over Bert’s health. The man has been through the wringer in the last few years. He has degenerative arthritis and a pacemaker. He has had mini-strokes and 2 carotid artery surgeries. He is a cancer survivor. He is frequently fatigued and weak. It concerns me. But I cannot control how many days he is given … or what will happen on those days! I can choose to enjoy the days we have … or I can choose to panic over what the future might hold! I choose to be grateful for today!

There is a reason that Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow (tomorrow will have enough worries of it’s own). Worry is a joy stealer! I need to STOP allowing it to steal my joy!

About my other topics of concern …

Dirk, as far as we know, has been deployed to Iraq again. We haven’t spoken to him in more than a year. I did notice that he, and his wife, were both on Yahoo Chat yesterday so I assume he is at least alive and kicking. Dirk has served several deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan. A couple of years ago he was in a vehicle that ran over a bomb. We were called in the middle of the night and informed that he was in critical condition. That was quickly downgraded and he was able to rejoin his platoon. But there was damage to his back and head. Some memories are just gone. And he is not the same person he was before. It is not an easy thing but we have to accept his choice to cut us out of his life and let the wounds heal. In our lives and his. Maybe someday God will restore those relationships. For now … we need to respect Dirk’s choices and trust God with the future. We need to let go of the pain and give way to joy.

Erica … I can’t even imagine what has driven her to the choices she is making. I think it is a combination of rejection by her birth mother, the death of several precious loved ones in her youth, some bad choices leading to regrets in her teens, poor self image, low self esteem, etc. She has expressed pride in herself that she fought bulimia and won. She doesn’t seem to realize that she traded one demon for seven worse ones.

“When a corrupting spirit is expelled from someone, it drifts along through the desert looking for an oasis, some unsuspecting soul it can bedevil. When it doesn’t find anyone, it says, ‘I’ll go back to my old haunt.’ On return, it finds the person swept and dusted, but vacant. It then runs out and rounds up seven other spirits dirtier than itself and they all move in, whooping it up. That person ends up far worse than if he’d never gotten cleaned up in the first place.” Luke 11:24-26 (The Message)

We are hoping, and praying, that something will reach her and she will turn around soon. Her children are suffering. We are hurt, sad, and angry. But we have to let go. The anger has not caused any resolution or improvement. Our hurt, sorrow and anger … just add to her guilt. We have to accept her choices (for her) and choose to be content … even joyful … not because of the circumstances but IN them.

Those grandkids? They are breaking my heart. They sound so sad when I talk to them and I want to rush in and fix their little worlds and huge hurts! I can’t. I can dwell on that and be miserable. Or I can accept it as reality and work to help improve it when and where I can!

And then there is J … He is who he is and he is a child of the King … one called into all the world … and I need to adjust to the reality that he is an adult and our time with him will be limited in the future.

I would love to be able to hold onto the simpler times. I can’t. And so I stand at a crossroads where I must choose between constant worry with misery or trust with joy. I’m trying really hard to choose trust. And He is rewarding me with peace.

October 21, 2011