Why

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Question Mark man sitting on it 240x300 WhyI know I need to let it go but my heart persists in wondering WHY. Why did things at work go so wrong so fast? Why were they determined to force me to quit? It’s pretty obvious to me that they couldn’t prove the accusations against me or they would have just fired me. Nope … they had to resort to lies and exaggerations, rumors and threats. They made me so completely uncomfortable and unhappy that it was making me sick! So I quit in self-defense. I don’t regret it except for the fact that we are in a financial crisis, have no health insurance, and I gave in instead of fighting back. I want to know why. Nothing makes any sense to me and I don’t like loose ends. But there’s no way to go back and ask. I need to just … let it go!

I have a new liquid love! Crystal Light (actually it’s a generic brand but same idea) Cranberry mixed with Sierra Mist Free. Oh my goodness! It might even be better than Coke Zero! Speaking of which … I have been caffeine free for 3 whole weeks!

I am off to try to catch up on reading some of your blog posts. See you tomorrow!

April 16, 2012

Answered Prayers – Practicing Thankfulness

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When Meredith suggested that I join the A-Z Blogging Challenge this month, I first set the suggestion aside, and then went back and embraced it. I noticed that the organizers were suggesting that the participating bloggers choose a theme for the challenge in addition to the inherent alphabetical theme. I decided it would be fun to try fiction. I was flip-flopping (mentally) between serial fiction (one story, 26 segments) or a serious of fiction short stories. On Sunday I sat down to write my first post and spent about 4 hours trying and tossing ideas. I was about ready to give up! Then I prayed that if God really wanted me to do this thing that He would give me words.

I sat back down … and wrote. The story, Afraid, just poured out onto the screen. And it seems to be taking on a life of its own. But every day I have to pray that God will give me words because I do not have this story planned out. And aside from a general idea of where I would like it to end up … I don’t know where it’s going or how I’m going to get it there. I believe that He will continue to provide but I am sort of wishing that He would let me go ahead and write the whole thing so that I can quit thinking about it constantly! If you would like to pray with, and for me, I would appreciate it!

I am looking into some work from home opportunities and it looks like I need to incorporate and be an employee of my corporation. The corporation will contract my services to companies that use call centers. I am thinking that I will probably put my blogging under the corporation and track any blog related expenses (software, conferences, domains, web-hosting, etc.) there. Certainly if I define myself as an author they would be appropriate. We’ll see how it goes! I just need to be sure to keep really good financial records and pay my taxes on time … right from the beginning. It’s kind of exciting! Even though contracting services will eat up some of my time. I’ve kind of been enjoying this lazy lifestyle of mine!

Today is my first official day of unemployment. I think … Hard to tell since I had about 3 weeks of vacation time tacked on the end of my paid time off. I’m feeling so much better! Obviously the arthritis pain is hanging on and my neck still hurts but those issues are easier to live with when not accompanied by overwhelming stress! Aside from the fact that I negatively impacted our finances and health insurance … I have NO regrets about my decision. And I have asked the Lord if (perhaps in my mental/emotional state over the last year) there was truth in the accusations against me. In some cases there was *truth* in the naked facts but it was always taken out of context and twisted … creating untruth! Nothing to repent or ask forgiveness for … or if there was … I already did. I’m good!

Peace … within and without … is such a GOOD thing!

The Lord is continuing to call me to be still. To listen closely. To hear His voice and follow His leading. Today He even told me to turn off the TV (background noise)! icon smile Answered Prayers Practicing Thankfulness

Do you remember … back when you were young … and you would head out to play, to a friend’s house, on a date, whatever, and your dad would always call the same message out to you? Don’t all dads do that? I suppose moms do too. With Josiah I always tell him that he’s a good kid and I love him. I don’t recall what I said to the other kids. I had a friend whose father always told her to remember whose daughter she was. My dad always called to me to be a blessing.

Be a blessing … to myself, to others, even to the Lord.

Stillness of soul is increasingly rare in this world addicted to speed and noise. I am pleased with your desire to create a quiet space where you and I can meet. Don’t be discouraged by the difficulty of achieving this goal. I monitor all your efforts and am blessed by each of your attempts to seek My Face.

Jesus Calling ~ April 4

How are you blessing Him today?

~~~~~

The Joy Dare – an exercise in thankfulness

April 1 – 3 Gifts Round

Tomatoes ripe from the garden (no garden here … reaping rewards from others)

My purple daisiespurple daisies 300x300 Answered Prayers Practicing Thankfulness

Hershey Chocolate Drops (I’m also grateful that they’re gone!)

April 2 – 3 Gifts White

A blank blog page … ready for words to be written

The soft white spot under the chins of my cats where they love to be scratched

A sparkling clean sink

April 3 – 3 Gifts Surprisingly Found

Allie’s Story

New blogs to follow

New friends and readers

April 4 – 3 Gifts Found in His Word

He wants me to ask!

James 1:5  

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

Stay pure … no matter what is going on around you!

1 Peter 2:11-12

Dear friends, I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls. Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.

Right now, this VERY moment, I stand holy and blameless, in His presence, without a SINGLE fault!!!!

Colossians 1:21-22

You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.

April 4, 2012

What Am I Supposed to Do?

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Dear Friends,

I’m struggling. Work has gone from bad to (much) worse and I’m not sure what’s going to happen.

angry woman on phone 300x196 What Am I Supposed to Do?A year ago we still had custody of Mallory and we were trying to work with Erica to help her get back to independence and full-time parenting. Her irresponsibility frustrated me and there were a few times when I would have angry phone conversations with her while in my office. I was overheard and developed a bit of a reputation for having a temper and getting loud when I was angry.

6 months ago Erica was arrested for the second time on drug charges. Drake’s father called to tell me about it and I was upset. Then Adam, Mallory’s dad, called and said an abundance of unkind things and I got more upset. I had to call my husband to tell him she was in jail again. I had to call several lawyers because of a variety of legal situations. I should have left my office with the first phone call. I should have just said, “I need a personal day,” and walked out. I didn’t. I stayed in my office and on the phone. Some times I was probably loud. I don’t know. I do know that a few days later I was told that my emotions have no place in our office and that the next time it happened I would be formally reprimanded.  I accepted that. What else could I do or say?

In October I took an (approved) week off to go to Relevant. I knew it was a bad time for me to be gone but when I had asked (8 months in advance) my boss and I had agreed that I could work extra hours before and after my vacation to compensate for the time I was gone so that not all of the workload would fall on my co-workers.  I guess the workload was heavier than anyone expected and for months after this trip I heard about how inconsiderate I was to have taken a vacation at that time.

Early December came and I had a student help me hang ornaments from my ceiling. A few minutes later my boss came in and told me that this was inappropriate use of a work-study student and of my time. She also referred to a blog post I had written recently about how busy I was and asked how I had time for blogging and Facebook if I was so busy. It became painfully clear to me that some of my coworkers were taking things I said online out of context, and were gossiping and complaining about me.

Wednesday, my boss came into my office and shut the door behind her. I sighed and asked if I was in trouble again. She told me that one of the work studies had filed a formal complaint against me for the way I spoke to him. And one of my co-workers had reported that I had threatened her. There are threads of truth in both accusations but they are taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I was told that I have an “explosive” personality and I need to dial it way back in the office.  I asked Traci if she was letting me go and she said no. But there will be a written report in my HR file. I was able to explain my side and I think I was heard. But I came away knowing that I am the target of vicious lies by a co-worker. And though I do an excellent job, as far as my work goes, I don’t know how I’m supposed to be me in this office!

I don’t like working outside my home. I feel like I’m supposed to put on my plastic mask and pretend all is well and good from 8-5 no matter what is going on in my life. And I’m afraid to talk to anyone for fear that I what I say “can and will be used against me!”

On top of that I am in constant pain. I have to get to work at about 7:00 to make sure I get one of the few handicapped spaces.  I don’t leave at lunch because I might lose my parking spot. And I can’t handle the extra walking anyway. Every trip to the (far away) bathroom has me near tears because my legs hurt so badly.

I’m not explosive. I have moments.  And they are taking those moments out of context and out of 5 years of discipline, diligence, dedication, etc. and deciding that the moments define me. They don’t! They may be true. I do use social media at work. AFTER my work is done! I have been loud. I have been angry. I did tell a student that his conversation was inappropriate for the office. I may have even told him that if he didn’t shut up I was going to smack him. But if I said that … I said it lightly. In a teasing manner. I NEVER threatened a co-worker. I walked into her office and closed the door behind me, for privacy, and told her something that I thought she needed to know. If I leaned on her desk it was because my legs hurt. And I know that I was speaking in a calm tone.

I can’t quit. Our insurance is provided by my job and we need it! I’m hoping that a miracle will happen and my boss will allow an experiment and let me try working from home. It’s not real likely but it is my best hope at this point.

What would you do?

letterbutton3 1 What Am I Supposed to Do?
 

March 9, 2012

Finally Friday

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It has been a crazy couple of weeks where I work and the stress has invaded every portion of my life … BUT … we received the following e-mail from our boss this morning …

First let me say if what we did could be compared to winning the Superbowl, consider this office World Champs.  We asked everyone to come together this week to achieve stability relative to the flood of application activity and I am very proud to announce that your hard work has paid off in a profound way.

… and when the boss is happy … everyone is happy! And yes, my boss used to play professional football! LOL! I need to take some work home with me this weekend so that we can start the next week in a good place but at least the stress is lessened now that the pressure is off!

Bert went to Texas yesterday. Primarily to pick up the chair that my parents are giving me to facilitate my ability to get around on days when my knees are really bad. We were planning to meet in the middle but I just plain didn’t have time! And he enjoys having an excuse to visit friends, and his daughter and grand-kids, that the trip affords him.

Got some less than great *news* about our prodigal daughter this week. Bert was trying to find her to remind her of a legal appointment and he called the people that she was living with. They had finally set some rules because of her inappropriate choices and behaviors and she couldn’t live with those restrictions so she left. Not sure where she is, or what she is doing, now but we do know that when she cuts us off like this … it isn’t good! Please keep praying that she would hit bottom and find Jesus there. I just don’t think there is anything else that we CAN do at this point!

I’m getting excited about my trip to Tennessee for the Blissdom Conference next month! 26 days and counting! AND I decided to apply for a volunteer position at the Type A Conference in July. If I get the position I will work 8 hours (at a registration table or something) in exchange for a conference pass. If I get it we’ll go. If not … probably not.  It would be nice to go to that one because Bert has a sister in the area and Josiah would like to visit a nearby seminary.

Okay … my Joy Dare prompts:

25. One grace borrowed, one grace found, one grace inherited

We are all helping each other with our work tasks this week. Workflow is NOT following any of the charts or documented procedures. But … by sharing … we are getting it done!

My friend (who drove me home from work yesterday) found my cell phone in her car and returned it to me.

My tendency towards obesity and my allergies I could live without quite happily but there are also blessings in my genes. I’m taller than average. My hair is naturally curly. My eyes are my best feature … a gorgeous green-gray hazel.

26. a gift before 9:00am, a gift before noon, a gift after dark

a cold Atkins Vanilla Shake (and an even colder Coke Zero)

hard-boiled eggs, ready in the refrigerator, proof that my husband has been thinking about, and preparing for, the needs of my low carb diet

a cat fighting for lap space with my laptop when I sit in my recliner

27. 3 gifts that might never have been

This prompt confuses me a little. Everything that is … might never have been. Yes? Oh well …

My marriage! 32 years and counting! We had only been dating 6 weeks when we decided to get married. By the grace of God we have stood the tests of time including better and worse!

My miracle boy! Infertility retreated for a moment and I was granted an unexpected gift in the form of pregnancy and a healthy baby boy! We gave him back to the Lord and the Lord is doing amazing things in and through this amazing young man!

My grandchildren. None of them live with both biological parents because those relationships have not lasted. icon sad Finally Friday But … while they WERE together … God used them to create some wonderful children!

January 27, 2012

Another One Bites the Dust

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Another weekend that is! Why do these slow-paced days of relative leisure go by so much faster than their job-consumed counterparts? I caught up on the laundry and did some blog reading but aside from that I didn’t get much done beyond sleeping and eating. Somehow I’m still tired and not even remotely looking forward to returning to work tomorrow.

fix broken computer 300x245 Another One Bites the DustOur office finally made the leap to the new software that has been hovering over our heads for the last year. We were locked out of the system for an afternoon while changes were made behind the scenes and not allowed to do anything the next day until we could be taught how to use the program correctly. We spent all day Thursday in a meeting with 4 of us going over the details of how to enter an application. I knew it was going to be bad when it took all 4 of us all day to do something which used to take me 10 minutes! On Friday I was set free to go ahead and start on my piled up work. I did better than one 8 hour application but not by much. It’s horrendous! I kind of doubt that I’m going to find much free time anytime soon!

I have pretty much decided that I am going to just stay off scales until I have to face them in the doctor’s office. I was tempted this morning … 2 weeks since New Years Day … but the scales weren’t where I expected them to be. They turned up later but I took it as a sign that I’m supposed to stay off them. Be that as it may … I have seen some signs that I am losing weight. My clothes are fitting a little more loosely, the steering wheel is a bit further from my tummy, and when I had to go into that all day meeting in my bosses office … I fit in a chair that last time I had to perch on the edge of. Little miracles but I’ll take them!

My computer could use a miracle of its own … and Josiah went out-of-town for the weekend. First it was having the issue where it kept turning itself off and losing it’s connection with the monitor. Then one day last week it lost the keyboard. Rebooting seemed to fix it. But then it turned itself off in the middle of the night. I tried to start it back up and it automatically went to an option that asks if I want to restore it to a previous point. The problem was that I needed to choose an option with the keyboard. And it has lost the keyboard again.  And then … to make matters worse … it lost the monitor again. Now what in the world am I supposed to do with a computer with no keyboard and no monitor. It’s about as useful as a brick! But far more annoying! Using the laptop at the moment but unfortunately it doesn’t have the Quicken records on it that I need to make invoices for Bert. My bad. If we bring it back to life I will definitely back it up and make sure that everything on there that I need is on here too! And if I had the extra cash I would go buy a replacement just to be rid of the frustration!

Josiah arrived home shortly before 9:00 and fixed my errant computer. Memory error. If it misbehaves again we may have to replace the memory but better that than the whole machine!

January 15, 2012

A Little of This and a Smidgin of That

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I wrote a wonderful (okay … I thought it was wonderful) post about my experiences traveling on Amtrak, using my iPad, while I was in my private car and feeling inspired. When I finished I told it to save as a draft at my blog website. I wanted to add pictures to it before posting. Yesterday I went looking for the draft ,,, it’s not there! In the mean time the blogpress app that I was using was being obnoxious so I punished it by deleting it. Thinking my Amtrak essay is gone forever … and given how many things I want to write … it may stay that way …. BUT  I was really proud of that piece? What say you? Should I revive it …. and make it better, stronger, faster … the blog version of the 6 Million Dollar man! (Did you notice that I took my pain meds and sleeping pill right before I sat down here. The spelling errors are cracking me up!)

I was hoping things would rapidly return to normal after last week but we are still hunkered down at our computers entering tons of data. I can’t do that on pain pills. Well … I could … but! Anyway things should begin to ease up soon so that I can actually write my reveiw and recaps of Relevant. I don’t want to sell it short because I want all of you to come with me next year! I did write about my personal Relevant Miracle today over on FaithWalk. Go check it out!

I’m thinking about making some changes on all my blogs. This one will be the most the same. And I am considering hiring someone to help me restore my lost content. (pre-hacker) Journey I want to make a true journal of my efforts to lose a LOT of weight. And at the same time chronicle my struggle with depression. Spiritual emphasis on both because I truly do believe that at their core my addictions, control issues and depression … are spiritual battles! I was blessed to have a brief, but awesome, chat with a very sweet lady at Relevant who is a Christian counselor and she really encouraged me to go that direction. To journal (daily) praises (at least 3), concerns to give to God, a daily Scripture (God talking to me) and a prayer (my response to God.) I’ll share more about that later. But I would love if some of you would pop in there once in a while to give me some accountability and encouragement. Today I wrote about a very scary starting number. Sigh. And Faith Walk will continue much as it has been although I certainly hope to be more regular.

I was walking across the lobby at work today and saw a woman sitting with her daughter waiting for an admissions appointment. I have known this woman for probably 20 years. We have never been friends but we did go to the same church for a long time. Every time life provides an opportunity for us to chat I walk away feeling judged and found wanting. I don’t know that she does it on purpose. But I have seen her be friendly to others. To me it seems like she thinks I am a waste of her time and energy. Maybe that’s not it at all and I am just as guilty of judging as I am accusing her of being! I just hope that I don’t do that to people. I don’t want anyone, ever, to walk away from an encounter with me, in life or online, feeling devalued. I truly believe that each of you, my friends, are precious gifts and I want to convey to you that you are valued, treasured, important, to me and I thank God for you! So if you catch me giving less … call me on it! Really!

OK … I’m past funny and onto seriously sleepy! See y’all later!

Beth

November 7, 2011

Picture as Promised

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We are swamped, at work, so blogging moments are hard to come by. And I’m dealing with a lot of neck and arm pain again which makes sitting at the computer a literal pain in the neck. And elbow. And wrist. Anyway …

I wanted to pop in and leave you with an image of my new do. The receptionist at work has decided that I am in the genre of female computer geek which explains my “odd” hair choices. I’m familiar with Abby of NCIS and she was telling me about some girl on another show who sports spunky hair. I guess I could be in worse company.

Beth91111 1024x1024 Picture as Promised

Without getting all gloom and doom about it, because that just isn’t fun to read, I’m going to admit that I am overwhelmed and struggling right now. Thanks to those who continue to pray. I know … this too will pass and I don’t have to worry about the things that are beyond my control. Knowing that doesn’t always make it easier.

Love you guys!

September 13, 2011