Life on the Edge

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This week the good people at Folk Lifestyle want to know about things I have done that I had previously believed I couldn’t do. Let me preface this by admitting that I am a chicken! The life on the edge, that my son and his best friend keep encouraging me to live, sounds unnecessarily dangerous to me! I don’t particularly want to be wrapped in cotton batting and stowed away safely (scared of smothering and small spaces) but I do tend to cautiously choose the safest course under any, and all, circumstances.

Josiah Himalayas 300x200 Life on the EdgeI am terrified of heights.  I hate elevators with a glass side, windy mountain roads, balconies, and staircases. I cannot manage to stand on even the first rung of a step stool without getting dizzy. Gorgeous views, the kind that are usually high up, make me nauseous unless I am sitting down … well back from the edge. And even under those circumstances, like sitting safely in my urban living room, an aerial view on the TV can make my head go swimming. I have, never the less, managed to stand on a wobbly dining room chair to change a light bulb! Go ahead. Be impressed. LOL! Seriously I am not likely to go bungy jumping or jumping out of airplanes but I do force myself to sit down and watch videos of my precious “baby boy” living that life on the edge. (He hasn’t jumped out of a plane yet but the days are numbered. I’ll have to see if he’ll give me the video of that crazy bungy jump to share with you. In the meantime … here’s a photo of him at the Mt. Everest Base Camp in Nepal. Yeah … he’s crazy!) I remember one time when Josiah was a toddler we were at a hotel with an interior balcony. I wouldn’t go anywhere near it but Josiah whipped past me and climbed up to look out over the edge. I reached to pull him back. Bert looked at me and whispered, “Don’t you dare pass your fears onto him!” It’s one of the best pieces of advice ever and though it has been incredibly hard for me … I followed it! It has had me holding my breath, and my words, more than once but I have let this child live on that crazy edge. And if you had told me that I was going to be able to do that 23 years ago when I finally held my miracle baby … I would have thought you were nuts!

Quick f.y.i. for those who are new here. Josiah is my only biological child as infertility, and God’s plans for me, prevented more. He is 23 and has a heart for missions. So far he has spent time in Haiti, England, India, Nepal, China, the Philippines, Brazil and Guatemala. His dream is to eventually work full-time in the Middle East. He’s still living at home because he needs to finish his undergraduate degree and then go to seminary before entering full-time career missions. School is taking a while because he keeps taking time off to travel. He’s majoring in Computer Science and also working full-time in the tech support department of a local company in the oil industry.

 

January 17, 2013

I Am a Writer

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15habits I Am a Writer

Today’s topic in the 15 Habits Challenge is Declaration … declaring ourselves to be writers. It would probably surprise many of you to hear that I struggle with that. For years I have shrugged it off when people told me that I have a gift for words and should be writing. I’m not entirely sure why. I think that a lot of it is my self-protective shell.

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

― Ernest Hemmingway

hearthand 300x196 I Am a WriterWhen I write, and share my words with you, I am putting a piece of my heart out there … trusting you to treat it kindly. I have been blessed, that in 5 years of blogging, I have only experienced true unkindness once. The vast majority of response to this sharing of my heart has been very positive! And yet … I am still tempted, regularly, to withdraw back into my shell, to hold my thoughts, ideas, and words, close, to protect myself from rejection.

Though I face that temptation often … I cannot do it. I must write! Now that I have found this outlet, and this amazing community, I am “addicted!” In a good way. Sharing my life with you through written words has been such a positive experience and I love the friendship and fellowship that I have found here. So though I face down days where I feel too exposed and want to pull back … I can’t! I must write. I must, in this small way, bring my life into contact with yours.

But a book? That still scares me. Maybe because it has the potential for wider exposure and greater rejection? What if I pour my heart into a book and it fails? What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough?

What if I never try?

I AM A WRITER! … And I will risk. And I will write.

June 5, 2012

Money & Fear

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high phone bills 300x300 Money & Fear

My husband was headed to bed tonight and we were talking (briefly) about our need for health insurance and how we could squeeze it into the budget. He said that he needs to take over paying the bills so that he knows exactly what we have, where it’s going, and how much (more) we need. There are a few things you need to know about our financial lives to completely understand the knot of absolute terror that this innocent comment creates in my spirit.

1. I have always (?) been the bill payer.

2. I am not good at it! The credit cards do not always get paid in full. The taxes (he is self-employed) are not paid in a disciplined manner. Resulting in unpleasantness which we can discuss another day. I am forever robbing Peter to pay Paul. And at the moment they are both broke!

3. He has said this repeatedly, on at least an annual basis, for almost as long as I have managed the bills!

4. I have flat out told him that he should not trust me to manage money.

5. I am a control addict … even knowing that I am bad at my job … it’s hard for me to let go.

6. Money is, always has been, the brewing pot for an argument that I am terrified will boil over at any moment!

7. In addition to being a control addict … I am a pleaser. My BIGGEST fear is that I will hurt or disappoint someone. And I know that if, and when, he digs into our financial pit of snakes … he will be hurt and disappointed!

I am seriously doing the best I can with what we’ve got right now. There is just not enough to go around! And I dread him discovering (again) just how bad it can get! And there are a few more things you should know.

1, As much as I dread the inevitability of this and the stress and pain that will come out of it … I also believe it’s the right thing to do and I hope he really does it this time!

2. There have been a number of occasions on which I shared with him the reality of our financial state. He has ALWAYS responded calmly and lovingly. The one time that I can recall him reacting in anger … he got up quietly and walked away. He came back a few minutes later, calm and ready to deal with this. So I really have no reason to fear.

But money is scary stuff. And debt … even scarier. Money and debt and overwhelming medical expenses at a time when his company has been losing accounts … scarier than that. Add in an unemployed wife, who may or may not find another job. I wouldn’t blame the poor guy if he heads for the hills.

And that’s the last thing you need to know … For whatever reason … I am terrified of being abandoned. No idea where this one came from but it sits right up there beside disappointing people!

It’s not pretty. But it’s me. Right now. Being real.

March 29, 2012

I’m Afraid!

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cursor 300x185 Im Afraid!I’m afraid. Of what? Of this little black vertical line blinking on and off in an empty white space. That’s always been my fear when it comes to writing I suppose. Not that I wouldn’t have the words. Not even that I wouldn’t have the talent. Just … that I wouldn’t know what to write!

I have found my voice. It’s a voice of warmth, love, encouragement, maybe a little social reform or encouragement to action. It’s a voice that is looking for joy but some times struggles to grab hold of it. An honest voice. Mostly the voice of a friend that you will look forward to hearing (reading) each day.

I have found my niches and they are multiple! Faith based. Women’s issues. Family. Home schooling. Closing in on retirement (and not prepared). Support for families with prodigal children. A dash of social media. A splash of humor.

I have found my calling. To live and write with boldness and valor! To write dangerously! To say things that ache to be said but many will shy away from for fear of alienating someone. To speak truth … even if I may step on some toes. To refuse to waste my time, or yours, on drivel.

Which brings me back to my fear … what am I supposed to write? And the cursor blinks on and on …

March 7, 2012