Seeing Myself Through The Eyes of BlissDom

18

BlissDom 2013 was too big, and impressed me too much, for just one recap post so I will be writing several posts about the experience on both of my blogs. Here’s a link to a post about my journey TO BlissDom, that I published earlier today, on Masterpiece.

BD13Logo Blue 500x206 Seeing Myself Through The Eyes of BlissDomOne of the most awesome things about BlissDom is getting pampered. Valet parking, maid service, no dishes to wash or laundry to deal with, it’s my dream come true! This year the BlissChicks took pampering us to an all new level with a fabulous Bliss Suite sponsored by One2One Network, Office Candy, V05, and NYX Cosmetics. We were able to schedule appointments to have our hair done (courtesy of V05), be professionally made up (by makeup artists from NYX Cosmetics) and then have a professional headshot photo taken by Kate Mackley. I had signed up to have my hair done at 8:00 (in the A.M.) but didn’t catch onto the fact that I needed a separate appointment for makeup and photo until later so that appointment was set for 2:00. Fortunately I was one of the few early birds in the Bliss Suite so I was able to be beautified and photographed first thing Friday morning! I have to admit that I didn’t have it together enough to take pictures of the experience but fortunately there is a FlickR stream for BlissDom photos so I can give you some idea of what the Bliss Suite was like.

O2O BlissSuite Seeing Myself Through The Eyes of BlissDomI had my hair and makeup done, got my photo taken, and then headed out to face whatever bliss might come my way! I encountered “bliss” in some interesting places! Those who know me well are very aware that I have a HUGE soft spot in my heart for the minions, from Despicable Me, and there was one in the hall posing for photos! I stopped and had my photo taken with the little guy and uploaded it to Facebook. Then I realized that the buttons on my dress were crooked so I got back in line for a second photo which I posted on Twitter.

902868 10151288063650947 39304482 o Seeing Myself Through The Eyes of BlissDomWithin moments my phone was chiming like crazy with people commenting on my Facebook photo. I knew it was cute but … really? Several people commented that I should make it my profile photo and one gal cropped the minion out so I could have just me in the picture. Bear in mind that I hadn’t seen my head shots yet but I knew they were coming. And I really had no idea that hair and makeup had made such a difference. But I changed my profile photo, liked all the comments, and went on about my day.

BF JH3WCcAEva r Seeing Myself Through The Eyes of BlissDomAt some point that afternoon I was sitting in a session that wasn’t really speaking to me so I quietly got up, left the conference room, and went to wander among the vendors. The California Raisins were there with artist, Doug Shannon of Event Toons, doing caricatures of people. There was a short line so I decided to go ahead and have him draw me. That’s when I began to realize that what people were seeing was more than hair and makeup.  My knees were feeling weak so I had asked if I could sit on a stool while he drew my cartoon. They loaned me one, I sat, and Doug started talking and drawing. He began with my eyes and I saw something that I hadn’t seen in far too long … happy eyes! I was blown away and I said, “Whoa! Those are happy eyes!” He stopped drawing and looked at me rather quizzically and responded that he just draws what he sees. I shook my head at him and told him that I had been waging war with depression for over 5 years. He  said, “maybe so but there is not a depressed person sitting in front of me today!” He finished my cartoon, posted it to Twitter for me, and printed a copy to attach to my name badge. Every time I looked at it … I smiled … because he had seen happiness in my eyes!

That evening my head shot photos were available and I posted them on Facebook and asked people which one I should use for my profile. There was a consensus that photo number 1 was the best but that the third one was more “me” since I always wear glasses.

profilephotocollage Seeing Myself Through The Eyes of BlissDom

Later several people made comments about how different I was this year, happier, more peaceful, more open and friendly. I was, still am, blown away! And I wish every single one of you could see yourselves through the eyes of BlissDom!

Some of the words that are STILL making me smile:

“this doesn’t look like the same person that was in your last photo!” – Martha

“Have you always been this person? Have you transformed, or were you hiding this?” – Barb

“I wish I had had a chance to visit with you this year! I have to tell you that every time I saw you, I couldn’t help but notice how different you looked this year. The awesome red hair, the fun spikey-ness, and your great jewelry. I saw so many smiles coming from you this year. It made me happy.” – Sherry

“Beth :: you made me smile every time I saw you! Running around with a chicken with my head cut off! Your spirit was so encouraging! Great to have you at Blissdom this year!” – Dedra

“Beth everytime I saw you, you looked like you were really enjoying yourself. I’m sorry we didn’t get to meet. ” – Candy

 

April 1, 2013

At 17

12

I don’t shy away from hard parts of my story. I believe them to be part of the amazing story of grace working in my life. That said … this one isn’t easy to write … and may be hard to read.

I learned the truth at seventeen that love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew, the Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful. At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces, lacking in the social graces,
Desperately remained at home, inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, “Come dance with me,” and murmured vague  obscenities.
It isn’t all it seems at seventeen.

from At 17 by Janis Ian

I was one of those gawky teenage girls who doesn’t quite fit in. A little overweight. Acne. unmanageable hair. Shy. Quiet. Smart. Terribly insecure. You probably know that girl. Maybe you’ve been that girl?

Just after my junior year of high school I was given an opportunity to spend 6 months as an exchange student in Acapulco, Mexico. I went and the world changed. I lost weight. My skin cleared. My hair lightened.  I went from the nerd hiding in the corner to the beautiful green-eyed American blonde that all the boys wanted to be with.

We, the girls I lived with and I, spent our days on beaches and scuba boats in tiny bikinis practicing the feminine art of flirtation. Our nights were spent roaming town in the back of a pickup truck, in a huge crowd, or at Boccaccio, a popular discotheque. Pretty young girls were good for business and the managers were usually delighted to let us in free … and without checking our identification.

While I was very inexperienced … I did have some firm boundaries. I was convinced, as were many good Christian girls of my generation, that premarital sex was the unpardonable sin and it would put me on a fast track to Hell. So that was my line in the sand and I stood on it. Met reactions everywhere from pleading to anger. Usually once the guys figured out that I wasn’t changing my mind they moved on.

I was scheduled to fly home just before Christmas and was trying to fit everything in one more time before leaving sun, sand, and surf, for the snowy Northeast. I was lying on the beach talking to my latest conquest and one of my ex-boyfriends, Nick, a guy I had really liked, came over and asked what I thought I was doing. I told him it was none of his business and he responded that I was going to get in trouble. In a flurry of showing him that I didn’t care what he thought and he couldn’t control me, I agreed to go somewhere more private.

I was now in a place I should not have been. With a guy I should not have been with. I was dressed immodestly. I was behaving inappropriately. Still … every other time I had said no, I had been respected. This time I was not and I found myself shaking, crying, alone in a strange bathroom. After I pulled myself together he put me in a cab and I was left to deal with my new reality alone.

Two days later I flew home to my very conservative Christian family. They were excited to see me. I was consumed with trying to hide my tan lines and deal with the very real fear that I might be pregnant. I lay awake at night trying to decide between running away from home and giving the baby up for adoption or having an abortion. In my mind … telling my parents was NOT an option.

Just after Christmas we were in church one Sunday when I discovered that I was in fact not pregnant. And the dam broke. Every tear of sorrow, anger, fear, frustration, etc. that I had been holding back for weeks came pouring out and I couldn’t stop.

There’s more to this story, of course, lots more. And sometime I will tell you the rest …

Today’s Challenge was:

Write about something that is unique to your story.  It could be a physical feature or a life experience.  You could write about something that happened when you were growing up that impacted your life forever.  You could write about your daily struggle to get your toddler to potty train and how you are at your wit’s end…or maybe that’s just me.  Also, don’t just re-work some post from the past.  Write a new one…if there’s any place to be vulnerable, it’s here.  We’d love to have you share your work on our Facebook page and don’t forget to link up with Write It Girl.

betterwriter At 17

Writeitgirl2001 1 At 17

March 13, 2012

Rejoicing in the Pain

2

Jesus Calling – February 9

Do not recoil from afflictions, since they are among My most favored gifts. Trust Me and don’t be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song.

Psalm 27:8

My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.”

2 Corinthians 4:7

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

Isaiah 12:2

See, God has come to save me.
I will trust in him and not be afraid.
The LORD GOD is my strength and my song;
he has given me victory.

Do not recoil from afflictions, since they are among My most favored gifts. 

Excuse me? I have a hard time seeing affliction as a gift! And if it is one … it feels more like a prank gift with a nasty surprise inside!

My head KNOWS that God is in control and nothing happens to me, or in my world, that is out of His will. My head knows that I am supposed to trust Him to be working everything (even the hard stuff) together for my good.  My head knows that I am called to give thanks in ALL circumstance, that this is the day God has made for me and I’m supposed to rejoice and be glad in it! My head knows all that! But my heart? It’s still feeling a little leery!

My depression has kicked up a notch today and I was driving to a doctor’s appointment indulging in a little self-pity … thinking that my last 5 years have been about as hard as anyone could imagine. The little voice in my head spoke up and responded that I hadn’t experienced the death of a spouse or a child. I’m going to admit to you here that my response to that was “And I’m supposed to be grateful that? Isn’t that the LEAST I’m due considering everything else I’ve been through?” I AM grateful that I haven’t experienced that level of loss … I really don’t think I would survive it. So yes … I am grateful … but what about the things that have happened … sickness, pain, depression, cancer, rejection, job changes, bankruptcy, debt, an adult child in jail, etc. Does He REALLY expect me to be grateful for those things?

Hard as it is … and it’s HARD … I think the answer is yes. Yes, I should be thankful for what He is doing in me, and in my life, through this pain! I can give thanks that He has made me gentler, more compassionate, slower to judge! I can be grateful that He has given me a more giving spirit … that He has opened my heart, and my voice, to a level of honesty and openness that reassures others that I’ve been there. I understand! He has allowed me to experience better, worse, sickness, health, poverty, wealth, etc. and He has held my marriage together! He has allowed my adult children to choose to walk away from their faith and their family … but He has filled those empty places with a plethora of daughter-friends online for whom I can be a voice of support and encouragement.

He has given me MUCH MUCH more than I can bear alone … but I do not have to bear it alone. He is with me … ready and willing to carry my burdens! And yes … I should be thankful!

February 9 – The Joy Dare

3 Gifts that were surprises – unexpected Grace!

My (upcoming) BlissDom trip!

My Eeyore lanyard (I’ll share that on my other blog in a few minutes)

Loving words … in a comment, on a Facebook page, the the conversation box of a Words With Friends game.

February 9, 2012

What are You Holding Onto?

1

Shhhhh … my Inbox is empty!

I have been too busy lately to find much time to indulge in blogging, reading blogs, or my assorted social media addictions, but it looks like things may finally be slowing down!  Most high school seniors are advised to get their college applications in by February 1st at the very latest so from here until the next crop hits in late July … we should have a fairly light work load.

Here are a couple of messages, from Jesus Calling,  that have really stood out to me over the last few days …

February 5 -

To receive My Peace, you must change your grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust. The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand. Ask My Spirit within you to order your day and control your thoughts …

Romans 8:6

So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.

Psalm 46:1-2

God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.

February 6

Lift up empty hands of faith to receive My precious Presence. Light, Life, Joy, and Peace flow freely through this gift. When your focus turns away from Me, you grasp for other things. You drop the glowing gift of My Presence as you reach for lifeless ashes. Return to Me; regain My Presence.

1 Timothy 2:8

In every place of worship, I want men to pray with holy hands lifted up to God, free from anger and controversy.

February 7

Come to Me for Rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.

Romans 8:8 (AMP)

So then those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him.

Psalm 42:11

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

February 8

I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say “Help me, Jesus!” and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don’t be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.

Matthew 14:28-32

 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

   So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus.  But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped.

Before we go any further, I want to say something about Peter. He gets a bad rep for sinking BUT:

  • He believed he could do the impossible!
  • He got out of the boat!
  • He walked on water!
  • He knew what to do when he started to sink …. he didn’t reach back for the boat … he reached out for Jesus!

I have admitted that I’m a control addict,  haven’t I? If not … there you have it, I, Beth Zimmerman, am a control addict. I fuss. I fidget. I plan. I manipulate. And God knows I worry! Lately it seems to me that all of the messages that the Lord is sending me are focused on letting go of that need for control and holding onto Him. Only Him! Perhaps part of the reason that I have fallen so far into this cycle of depression is that I am trying to hold onto the wrong things! Life is NOT going the way I planned. It’s not neat. It’s not orderly. Most of the time it’s not even fun! And I have been so focused on trying to pull the pieces back together and fix what’s broken … that I have kept God at arm’s reach. How ridiculous is it to know that my attitude has been, “Hang on a minute, Lord. I need to fix this. THEN I’ll deal with You are Your plans for me.” God’s plan for me is to let go of the broken. Quit trying to control the uncontrollable. Let go … and hold onto Him! Him alone!

The Joy Dare Prompts

7 – 3 Gifts Red

Icy cold watermelon on a hot summer day. Spitting seeds into the grass while the juice drips down my chin and falls sticky against my neck and chest.

Shiny red ribbons and bows on beautiful Christmas packages.

Crisp red apples in the fall.

8 – a gift broken, a gift fixed, a gift thrifted

My little bunny musical shelf-sitter, a gift from a long ago secret pal (forgotten who) – the cheerful little blue bird who sat on his back fell off.

My word tags (yes, I promised a post, I will get to it). They arrived – different than what I ordered. The artist graciously created a new set and sped them to me.

Clothing, I could afford, for a child who was growing faster than my budget could keep up with!

February 8, 2012

From Me to You

2

Yesterday was a hard day and I shared that here. I am trying to keep this blog inspirational. But I am also trying to keep it honest. I want to be an encouragement to other women who have to walk depression’s path. And I think that part of being real … is admitting that some days the depression can nearly take me out. Yesterday was one of those days. Today is better.  Thanks for sticking with me … through the highs AND the lows!

February 7, 2012

Goodbye ’11 ~ Hello ’12

4

Why ANOTHER blog? The answer is … in some ways simple … in others complex. Kind of like this blogger! I’m not giving up on my other blogs. I just felt a need for something new … and different!

The few people who have been around since my *Blogger* days will remember my fondness for the little blue donkey of the Hundred Acre Wood. I went for over a year with his image as my Gravatar. And I joked about wishing that I had named my blog “Looking for Tigger” because it seemed to fit me better. I was stuck in my emo personality wishing that I could experience, just a little, tigger-ific joy! As we creep closer to 2012, it seemed to me that it was time to quit wishing and start actively looking! For Tigger. But mostly for the abundant joy that God has promised is already mine!

I have throughout the years almost grasped the idea that thankfulness, a grateful spirit, is part of the answer to my struggle with discontent and depression. I would post Thankful Thursdays. I even tried a gratitude journal for a while. I was never able to really grab hold and fly with it! I’m hoping that with this blog … I will learn to soar!

I’m also playing with a new blog theme that allows a lot more flexibility in design but it comes with a major learning curve! I decided it was better to apply it to a new blog and learn as I go rather than try to reformat one of my more established blogs.

I will work on my About Me page as I have time to give my readers more info on who I am and how I arrived where I am today. In the meantime I would just tell you that I am an Eeyore … trying really hard to grab hold of, and set free, my inner Tigger! I hope you’ll join me!

December 31, 2011