Water by RosalineStock 300x225 Ouch

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Well … I survived my first (in a long time) water aerobics class. I think! I felt really good in the water. Had almost forgotten the way that the pain just kind of goes away in the water. Except for the blasted Achilles Tendonitis but that’s okay. Getting back OUT of the pool … I felt the pain growing with every step. And I have just been really uncomfortable the rest of the day. It will NOT whip me but it may take a while before I start whipping it! I’ll try to come see you tomorrow.

Another quick note … Josiah (Hannah, Jill, Zach, Sarah, & Adam) leave tomorrow for two weeks in Haiti. They will be doing medical clinics, Vacation Bible School, etc. If you are the praying type, please pray for their safety and ministry! Thanks!

Beth

Have you been here long enough that you have noticed my tendency to procrastinate?

procrastination Death to Procrastination

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Six months or so ago the doctor told me I needed to lose weight, and have my knees replaced, as soon as possible, or I would be in a wheelchair. I came away from that determined to make some big changes. Unfortunately the stresses of life resulted in putting any significant change off for a while and here it is half a year gone and if anything I weigh more … and my arthritis is worse! (Plus we no longer have insurance so any surgery is solidly on the back burner!) My ankles, knees, hips, and lower spine have become so painful than I move no more than necessary.

I began a story (Allie’s Story) on which many of you have encouraged me to finish and pursue publishing. It sits, ignored, unresolved, unfinished, unpublished.

I sit down to write and my brain is just empty! Little wonder since I’m filling it with junk! Social media and reality TV does not mind stimulation make!

I was gifted a scholarship to participate in Soul Restoration 2 (through Brave Girls Club online) and though I love it and believe it can be life-changing … I have fallen way behind! Week 3 (we’re now in week 5) was about setting goals and I’ve just struggled to move on! Not because I don’t KNOW my goals! They popped into my consciousness like corn kernels in a hot pan! Health – Weight Loss, Mobility and Flexibility! Debt Reduction! Building, and Maintaining, Healthy Friendships! Writing for Publication! And the overarching one – JOY! I know what my goals are. I just didn’t want to face them in print and admit that I’m not working on achieving them and the fact that I do not have success in those areas is my own fault!

Besides that … I have been staying up late! Really late! I’m up til at least 1 or 2:00 a.m. and if I’m having a bout of insomnia that can stretch into 3 or 4:00 a.m. And staying up that late means that I sleep through a lot of the day.

I decided today that I have wasted enough of my life!

I will write more, in days to come, about exactly what changes I am making. But today I went to the YMCA and applied for a limited income family membership. (Hubby wants to go too.) My plan is to do water aerobics every weekday morning. MWF is at 8:00 a.m. TTh is at 8:30 a.m. Whoo Hoo! I suspect that getting up so early will take care of the messed up sleeping schedule. If not … I will schedule in a nap! But I WILL go to my Water Aerobics Class. There is also a class on Saturday mornings at 9:00. I may do that too! Sunday will be my day of rest. I want to work up to being able to do 2 hours of water exercise, and lose 50+ pounds, and then start using a recumbent bike again. I used to do that and loved it. And eventually I will add some light weights into my exercise routine. And hopefully losing weight will enable me to start walking so I can walk for a few minutes several times a day.

Josiah and Bert are both trying to eat a healthier diet (although neither is doing low carb) and Josiah will be in Haiti for the next 2 weeks so I am going to get my sizable butt back on the low carb trail! Yes again! It will require a HUGE dose of discipline! I will just have to remind myself that I am working towards a goal!

I also plan to work on creating a disciplined schedule which will include daily time working on writing, blogging, reading, etc. in addition to all the normal stuff of a healthy balanced life!

I know … I’ve said all this before …. but I’m trying really hard to believe that I will follow through this time! Thanks for being among my voices of accountability and encouragement!

Mother’s Day was a mixed bag of emotions for me. My husband had gone out-of-town for the weekend so it was just Josiah and I at home.

Drake came to spend the night with us on Friday. He is such a sweet little guy. He seems to be doing remarkably well with the reality that his sister and mother are not going to be physically present in his life. It makes him sad, of course, but he has adjusted. I was planning to take him home about 5:00 on Saturday so I told him to start getting ready about 4:00. He looked at me with these huge sad eyes and shook his head. I laughed at him and told him to call his dad to see if he could stay til 8:00. Dad said okay so we had a few extra hours.

When Drake was little, one of his first full phrases was something about “Unky Joe” being his “best friend.” That hasn’t changed much. I really should have taken some pictures of them playing together. Made me laugh! Josiah stayed home Friday evening so he could spend time with Drake. Wrestling, video games, movies, pizza, happy laughter. It was a good thing!

Sunday morning Josiah and I got up and went to church together. He sat with me, rather than with his friends, since it was Mother’s Day, and told me he planned to spend the whole afternoon hanging out with me too! (He usually spends Sunday afternoons with his friends.) So after church we went to lunch. Yummy fajitas! He offered to pick up a movie to watch with me but I told him I really wanted my usual Sunday nap and he should go hang out with his friends!

broken family glass My Broken FamilyThat far the weekend was mostly great, so I was totally unprepared for the wave of sadness that washed over me when I went in my room to get ready for my nap. Tears began to flow as I pulled my dress over my head. I sat down in my bedroom chair and called Bert. He asked what was wrong and I told him that Mother’s Day had just reminded me of how badly we are broken.  After I talked to him for a bit, and calmed down, I called my mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, and wound up crying on her shoulder too!

It has been 2 years now since we last heard from Dirk (except for one text message from his wife telling us Abbie is happy). When he told us that he no longer wanted anything to do with us … I don’t think we had any idea it was going to go on this long. I know that he has been spreading vicious lies about us and his childhood which makes it even harder for me. I understand that part of it is perspective and that he doesn’t see his childhood the same way I do anymore than I see mine the same way my parents do. I don’t blame him at all for those things. But … oh never mind … I need to let it go. It just hurts! And then there is Erica. I’m not sure exactly when we lost her but we see/hear very little from her now. In a way she too blames us for the path her life has taken. Where Dirk says he was abused, physically and emotionally, Erica says she was overprotected and therefore unprepared for the real world. The truth falls somewhere in the middle. Both extremes are hurtful. What’s most hurtful is that we have “lost” them. We don’t know where they are, what they’re doing, whether they are safe.

It hurts my heart even more that they have both abandoned their biological children. Honestly … I think Jaden is blessed by Dirk’s absence from his life. They have never seen each other. Jaden is being raised by a daddy who loves and raises him as his own. But some day he is going to know that he didn’t matter to his biological dad and it is going to hurt! And Drake and Mallory have already been hurt by the reality that Erica chose men, friends, and drugs, over them. How does a kid deal with that? Mallory has been whisked off to Hawaii and we haven’t seen her in almost a year or spoken to her in 6 months.

So I was sad! And Josiah, who tries so hard to be enough to make up for his siblings, felt bad that he couldn’t. He can’t fix it and there are days when the pain overwhelms me afresh. I tried to explain and I guess he got it but he thinks I should be able to just put it away since I can’t fix it.

I didn’t want to write this yesterday because I don’t want to be a downer on a happy day but … this is my reality … and some times it stinks!

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